


Saria's Diary

by bosmermage



Series: Saria's Tale [2]
Category: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Diary/Journal, Gender Dysphoria, HoK is part of the dark brotherhood, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Nonbinary HoK, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, They use they them pronouns, descriptions of death, descriptions of periods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 04:34:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 17,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17318180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bosmermage/pseuds/bosmermage
Summary: A diary, detailing the time before during and after the oblivion crisis, written by the Listener of the Dark Brotherhood





	1. Chapter 1

-F/a/r/a/n/i/l’s- Saria’s Diary

Sun Height 20th 430  
It was my birthday three weeks ago, but still Ealia got me a “birthday present” when she found out. She’s far too sweet, i don’t know what i’d do without her. She won’t tell me when her birthday is, though. I think she stole it if i’m being honest, but i don’t care. It’s mine now. Sun’s Rest was a good day this year. 

Last Seed 23 430   
Summer break is almost over, i’ve been too busy to do a lot of writing. I should probably be practicing my hand though, I always get marks docked by Brother Aine in alchemy. It’s alchemy though, I don’t get why he’s so anal about my handwriting, as long as i can read it what does it matter? I don’t really want summer break to be over, but i do really want to be done with my entrance exams. If I don’t get in I don’t know what i’ll do, I can’t take this little town and it’s little rumours any more. I can’t take Karelia’s constant yelling any more. Two more months, two more months and i can finally take that damn test. I’m just glad it’s a practical exam and not a written one. Who writes down their spellwork anyways?? 

Last Seed 25  
Karelia is leaving for a trip into Cheydinhal for the weekend! She’ll be gone for Harvest’s End. I think she got a new boyfriend or something, whatever it is I get the whole house to myself all weekend, it’s like a dream come true, an answered prayer 

Last Seed 27 430  
Karelia left at dawn this morning, and as soon as she left I got to relax for once! As long as I get my chores done, I can do whatever I want to do this weekend. I only have to tidy the house and keep the hearth fire going, and I can get that done quickly enough…   
While i was cleaning I found the most exciting thing, underneath one of the hearthstones was a little emerald, I put it back of course, but now I know it’s there, just in case? I got to practice for my exam without worrying about having to be silent too, the only spell really giving me any trouble is that damned lighting spell. Destruction is such a weakness of mine. That being said, I did finally manage to get that chameleon spell to work, I was almost completely invisible!! Not to brag or anything, but Illusion magic is my speciality.   
The feast tonight looked amazing, but I didn’t go, I dragged Ealia away to go play in the woods with me instead.

Last Seed 28 430   
I went out and got more food from Cecila, i’m starting to run low on coppers though. School needs to hurry up and start, Cheydinhal is so much easier to get by in, so many nooks and crannies, and so much food. Since i'm there during the days anyways. I managed to get the lightning spell to work once. It was super tiny, but it was lightning. It’ll be so much easier to practice at school with a proper lightning rod. Then I can really go all out! 

Last Seed 30 430   
Karelia came home early, and she almost caught me writing in this journal. I’ve smuggled it to school, there’s a loose stone in the undercroft that Nevvone showed me (Nevvone is one of the ghosts that lives down here, she’s always watching over the tombs down here, but she’s really nice, no matter what that old geezer Lucidus says.) 

Hearthfire 17 430   
It’s been harder to get down here to write than it used to be. School is taking longer and longer. My exam is in less than a week. Middas the 22nd. Every time I think about it I get such a horrible pit in my stomach. I’ve gotten leagues better at destruction, but I’m not sure that’s enough. Nevvone and Ealia both say that I shouldn’t worry so much, but I just can't help it. So much is riding on this exam. If I pass, I could get to go to Glanmarths in the Imperial City, after that, if you get good enough marks, you can go on to one of the magical universities… Maybe even the Arcane University. But i’ve heard they only accept 10 applicants per program per year, and only the applicants with lots and lots of references. I’d be happy to get into Silinael in Chorrol to be honest, even if it’s an academic university and not a specific magical university. The head of the mages guild here in Cheydinhal went there, so it must not have a bad magic program. 

Hearthfire 22 430   
I ran down here right after the exam. I couldn’t read the examiner’s face at all. I think I did well, but I just couldn’t tell at all. I’m skipping the rest of school. It’s only religious studies anyways. I’m way too nervous to go, I’d just be a wreck all class. I know i’ll get the “talking to” of a lifetime from Karelia when I get home, but I don’t even care. I’m going to go take a nap behind Nevvone’s tomb, maybe I’ll just stay there and never leave. It’d be easier then facing a failing mark. But what if I do get in? I know I have to make it through, but I DON’T WANT TO. I would never live it down if i failed. 

Frostfall 1st 430   
Karelia forced me to stay home for a whole week, I had to beg to be allowed to go back to school. She’s horrible. 

Frostfall 13th   
Today was my favourite holiday of them all! Witch’s Festival! Ealia and I snuck out to go see the festivities again this year, and Cecilia was there. She said that we were both far enough along in our studies to join in the festivities. We got to light the bonfire together, it was magical

Frostfall 28th 430   
The results for the entrance exams go up tomorrow 

Frostfall 29th   
I got in   
I got in, with a scholarship for room and board   
I can’t believe it, my head is spinning, my ears are ringing, I got in i got in it’s all I can say I can’t believe it. Next Last Seed, I’ll move to the Imperial City. I’ll be in the dormitories for the full four years, and then I’ll be an adult and get to go to University   
I did it 

Sun’s Dusk 1st   
That bitch karelia. She’s ruined everything.   
I’m still shaking. The representative from the school came to the house while I was out on a grocery trip. I met him on the way back from Cheydinhal. He stopped me and said that he was terribly sad to know that I was turning down the acceptance offer, that he wished me all the best luck in my apprenticeship. I should have stopped him. I should have told him how badly i wanted to go, i should have begged him not to listen to Karelia. But i didn’t. I just stood there, completely mute like the stupid piece of shit i am. I stood there and watched him walk up the path to the gates. I stood there and I watched my future walk away. 

Sun’s Dawn 7th 431  
The past few months have been awful. I’ve been so busy that i’ve barely had time to go home to sleep. Not that I can complain about having to see that awful woman. No wonder father left her here when he went back to Valenwood. I wish he was still alive… I wish I was back there with him, in Valenwood. I was so happy. People didn’t hate me there. People didn't call me fucked up brotherhood wannabe or corpse eater. And she wasn’t there. I didn’t have to deal with her yelling and never buying food and her endless string of “boyfriends” that don’t pay nearly enough. I would die before I admit this out loud to anyone, but, apprenticing isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I get an allowance (That that woman doesn’t know about, divine mercy), if I complete my first year, I’ll get a bed in the dormitory at the chapel. I never wanted to be an undertaker. It certainly isn’t doing my reputation any favours. But at least, if I can make it through this year, at least i’ll get to leave home. Brother Jurane is the master undertaker. He’s exactly what you’d expect from an undertaker, old and weathered, quiet, but he’s still nimble and really really good with restoration magic. I didn’t expect restoration to be as important as it is, but i guess it makes sense, if a body comes in in really rough condition we’d have to put it back together before burying it.


	2. Chapter 2

Sun’s Height 30th 431   
Karelia is dead. She died accidentally, passed out drunk while the house burnt to the ground. I’ve saved enough that i’ll be able to move away. Brother Jurane offered me to stay in the chapel, but I need to leave. Cheydinhal has never been my home. It never will be.


	3. Chapter 3

Hearthfire 11th 432  
It’s been a year now since I got to the imperial city. My savings ran out almost immediately, I was stupid to think such a small amount would last. I managed to avoid going into debt, narrowly. Daynali took me in when she caught me stealing in the city, she’s been so kind. We don’t make much, and about half of that honestly, but it’s enough. We have each other, we have Doyen Christophe and we have a house to live in. I tried to re-apply to the school, but I wasn’t able to, they only accept 12 year olds to the program. My life fell apart, but it’s finally starting to look up again. I’m starting to feel more myself, the awful numbness has started to wear off. Daynali makes fun of my liking magic, but she’s not complaining when I patch her up after she gets into a scrap. That’s the half of our income that is honest, my healing and her working on the docks. 

Hearthfire 14th   
Christophe got on me again for being too reckless, said it’s gonna be the death of me. I was just trying to help out, but apparently I’m not allowed to be a distraction. What’s the use of a guild if we don’t have each other’s backs. He said I need to watch my tongue, that we have ways of helping out our members. I just don’t get it.

Hearthfire 20th   
I just realized that I won’t be able to see Ealia this year at Witch’s Festival. I cried the most I’ve cried since I left. I want to go back, I want to see her again, I miss her so much

Frostfall 13th   
It’s Witch’s Festival tonight. I can’t bring myself to get out of bed though. I’ve been crying all day. Daynali keeps asking me what’s wrong, but I know she’ll laugh at me for being a silly mage 

Frostfall 17th  
Daynali and I went fishing today, and all we could find were slaughterfish. Daynali was surprised when I said we could sell the scales for a pretty good price to the mages guild or an alchemy shop, yet again my knowledge of magic saves the day! Slaughterfish scales can be used in potions of water breathing. And the ones that grow in Lake Rumare are especially favoured. 

Sun’s Dusk 20th   
Nothing interesting ever happens on the waterfront, just fishing and drunk sailors fighting. I went into the city earlier to try and pinch something extra to sell off to Christophe and I almost got caught. I cast a sleep spell on them and they passed out before they saw me, Nocturnal was looking out for me, she must have been, or I doubt I would have known he was there. I robbed him what good too. 100 gold and pretty ring out of a little chest. Serves the fancy toff right. Living in the Talos Plaza district while the rest of us almost starve. 

Sun’s Dusk 22nd   
I got 15 gold, and a talking to from Christophe about using magic on the job. He’s such a stickler for the rules 

 

Evening Star 15th   
It’s North Wind’s prayer today, but you wouldn’t be able to tell it looking out at the waterfront. It’s just as noisy as it always is. The temple of the one was huge, and packed full of people. I wonder if the Divines even hear us praying, it sure doesn’t feel like it. Daynali didn’t come with the rest of us, instead she and Myvryna stayed back to pray at home. They don’t usually get along, I wonder what’s got into them 

Daynali explained to me about the daedra, and about Nocturnal more. I think I understand. Maybe I’ll stay back with them next year.. She also told me more about Morrowind, and about her old family. So I told her more about Cheydinhal and karelia and Ealia. I feel like we’ve gotten even closer now, she’s like an older sister to me. I’m so glad I have her. 

Morning Star 1st 433  
New life festival today! Daynali said she’d take me out to a tavern, since the ale is free today and all. We talked a lot about how everyone talks about getting out of the waterfront one day, and how we can’t imagine going anywhere else.

Morning Star 15th   
It’s already South Wind’s Prayer, I decided to stay home with Daynali today. Tiber Septim doesn’t want to hear a thief's prayer anyways. I went and put some flowers on Emilia’s grave instead, poor old Isleif hasn’t been the same since she went. 

Morning Star 29th   
I sent a letter to Ealia today, after a lot of prodding from Daynali. Says I might as well let her know I’m not dead in a ditch somewhere. 

Sun’s Dawn 16th   
It’s heart’s day today, a bunch of us got together and I got to tell the tale of The Lovers. Christophe says I’ve got a talent with singing, maybe I should try singing in the city some day? The party was such fun too, we all ate way too much food 

Sun’s Dawn 21st   
It’s Daynali’s birthday today! I used some of my savings to get her a new dress, she’s been after one for a while now, but we haven’t had the budget. I hope she likes it   
She loved it! She said it was exactly what she’d been wanting, and she said I was the sweetest little sister on the whole of Nirn. 

First Seed 7th   
It’s first planting, and I’ve resolved to write in this diary more. I’ve had it three years now and it’s not even a third of the way full. I guess I just live a boring life if I can’t think of anything to write down. Ealia hasn’t written back. Everytime I think about it, I get a horrible lump in my throat. What if she’s forgotten about me? What if she hates me for leaving? For not writing sooner?

First Seed 20th   
So, my first planting resolution immediately fell through. I just keep forgetting to write, or putting it off and then forgetting to write. 

Rain’s Hand 17th   
Ealia wrote back! I have her letter! It came in with the courier today!! I’ve been far too nervous to actually read it. But at least she wasn’t so mad as to ignore my letter. 

Rain’s Hand 19th   
She wasn’t angry, I’m so thankful. Apparently, She’s gotten a acceptance letter to university to study magic next year! I knew she could do it, she was always much better at destruction than me, and she never got marks docked for handwriting either. I wrote her back, I’m so glad Daynali made me write her.

Rain’s Hand 27th   
Tomorrow is Jester’s day, which means no guild activities, Christophe is such a fun suck sometimes. But, it also means that I’m absolutely going to pull a prank on him. I’m going to give him a slice of apple pie, with the first bite salted. Which means that I have to bake the pie tonight. Daynali went off to get apples, because she’s not a fun suck

Rain’s Hand 28th   
The look on his face was priceless. The look on his face when I tried the unsalted part of the pie was even better. We got him good, so good even he thought it was pretty funny. He did get most of a piece of pie out of it, so it wasn’t that bad 

Mid Year 16th   
It’s Mid Year festival! Half the year is already over. Christophe went to go get blessed at the temple today, me, Daynali, and Myvryna all stayed home. As much as Myvryna always ribs Daynali about being “former Redoran”, they’re always civil with each other on days like this 

Mid Year 29th   
Word came back from Ealia! I read the letter immediately, and then wrote her back. I wasn’t quite fast enough to catch the courier this week, so I have another week to write more to her. 

Sun’s Height 10th   
It’s merchant’s festival today! Day is going to the market district to shop while everything is a reasonable price. And I am going off to the city to sing. The arboretum is a good place to go, people like to listen to music while they’re resting after all.  
Today was a roaring success, i made almost 5 gold in copper pieces, Daynali is gonna be so happy!

Sun’s Height 16th   
It’s my birthday today! I turned 17. Day baked a cake while I was sleeping last night and as soon as I saw it, I started crying. I love her so much, I haven’t been so happy since I was little, and living with dad in Valenwood. She got me a drum so that I could start singing with music playing. She also taught me a song in dumeri, she said it was a song version of the story of Anuad that she learned as a child in Morrowind. I’m old enough to start properly working now, so tomorrow will mark the start of my job hunt. 

Sun’s Height 20th   
It’s sun’s rest and all the shops are closed, which means that I can’t apply for any jobs today. I’m beginning to think there aren’t any jobs anymore, they’re all taken. Maybe I should try applying to the temple, I did start an apprenticeship in Cheydinhal 

Sun’s Height 21st  
No such luck. The priest said they had no interest in “people like me”. It’s Cheydinhal all over again. I applied to a couple of other shops but no one’s interested. I’ll probably have to start looking for work on the waterfront. Or worse. We’ll see.

Last Seed 7th   
Ealia’s letter came! She’s on break, she’s going to come to visit before she goes on to the University to study in Hearthfire! 

Last Seed 17th   
Daynali and I have been planning a bit of a heist. There’s this awful pawn shop up the road, their interest rates are why half of us are in debt and the other half are too scared to ask any help. SO, we’re going to liberate the owner of some pretty personal stuff, teach him a lesson, you know? Christophe set it up. Nobody messes with the waterfront and gets away with it.   
The heist is gonna take place in a week today.


	4. Chapter 4

Last Seed 29th  
Everything’s gone wrong. I start shaking every time I think about it. The heist was a bust. I got caught and thrown in jail. Then, when i’d given up hope of Christophe or Daynali making my bail, the Emperor showed up. The Emperor of Tamriel. Just, showed up. He went through my cell, and out a secret entrance. I followed them, there was a cave, I found a sword and some old armour that was on a skeleton. A skeleton. I’m wearing armour that was on a corpse. He told me that I had to take the amulet of kings to a man called Jauffrey. That I had to go to Chorrol. A nice blade, Baurus, gave me enough to get some basic adventuring supplies, a backpack, a sleeping roll and some food. I didn’t have time to properly say goodbye to Day I had just enough time to go get my diary and leave a letter. I just hope she doesn’t worry too much about me. I hate travelling. I can’t stand camping and I’m worried that my journal will get wrecked like this. But, at least this way I can write out my thoughts. I can’t believe it. Everything was going so perfectly. Why did this happen? I’m starting to think the divines aren’t just disinterested, i’m starting to think they hate me.  
It was the strangest thing. I could hear the celebration in the distance, and then the Emperor and his guards show up, tense and panicked. 

Last Seed 30th  
I finally made it to Weynon Priory. They’re letting me stay here tonight. Prior Mabel pulled a sword on me when I showed up, it was terrifying, I thought I was going to die. I guess it’s a good thing he’s a ask questions first kind of person. Apparently my whole left half was covered in blood from a fight with a wolf that jumped me and that made him think I was a bandit. He let me take a bath and change into my normal clothes. The grandmaster didn’t seem to like me a whole lot, but he took the amulet, and took the corpse armour and gave me a set that fit me a lot better. He also gave me a dagger and had Prior Mabel show me how to use it. I have to go and find the heir in Kvatch and bring him back to the priory. 

Hearthfire 3rd  
I made it back home. Daynali yelled at me for almost a half hour. I started screaming because it was like being back in Cheydinhal, it felt like I couldn’t breathe, I was crying so much  
Christophe came to check because I was screaming so loud. Everything’s okay now, Daynali started crying too, she didn’t want to scare me so bad, she was just worried because I left without really telling her where I was going. She said everyone thought I died in the fight. She cried a lot too tonight. I’m going to talk about it in the morning, She’s not going to be happy, but what can I do about it? The emperor told me to do this, he said it was fate. I don’t want any of this. I just want to stay home.

Hearthfire 4th  
Day keeps apologizing for yelling at me, and I keep telling her it’s okay. She said that I’m old enough to decide to go or not, and that if I decide to go she’ll support me however she can. I feel like I have to go. Something is pulling me on. At least, I’ll go to Kvatch. I need to know. 

Hearthfire 5th  
Day said she’d come with me to the first inn, but that she’d have to go back to work after that. I’m anxious, but I think I made the right choice. Poor Ealia just missed me it seems. Although, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to go on this journey if I had two people holding me back there. 

Hearthfire 7th  
I feel lost. According to my map, I’m halfway to Skingrad. Camping isn’t as bad as I thought it would be out here in the wilderness. There’s lots of places to hide, which means lots of places for me to sleep safely. The worst thing is the grubbiness. I’m too scared to take my armour off out here, so I’ve acquired a distinctly bad smell. I can’t wait to take a bath, or find a river. Anything at all. At least I brought my diary. It’s heavy, but I can read all the letters that Ealia sent me, and the letter Day gave to me before I left. If I wasn’t so worried about making noise I’d sing to calm myself down. 

[Images of native flora, sketched with pen and labelled take up the rest of the page and margins]


	5. Chapter 5

Hearthfire 9th   
I made it into Skingrad late last night. I took a bath, and washed my armour. I’m taking the day to rest and resupply.   
I made a good amount off of alchemy ingredients I’d foraged, and the blacksmith paid a decent amount for the sword I found on a dead bandit. I’d feel sleazy looting off a dead person, but they were a bandit stupid enough to fight a guard patrol, so I don’t feel too terribly bad about it 

Hearthfire 10th   
I’m halfway to Kvatch from Skingrad now, there’s a driving thunderstorm that showed up about a half an hour ago, so I’m hiding in a little outcropping of rock waiting for it to stop   
It’s not stopping. It’s early morning now and the rain’s still coming down in buckets. Hopefully putting my cloak overtop of my backpack will keep my map and this journal dry enough to not get ruined. I wish I knew some sort of barrier spell. That would be mighty helpful right about now. 

Hearthfire 14th. The past few days have been a living nightmare. I got to kvatch on the 11th i think. There’s nothing left of the city but the temple. Someone called it an oblivion gate. It was tall and it made everything around glow a horrible red. There were scamps and dremora everywhere. Martin wouldn’t leave until kvatch was safe. I decided to help the guards try and close the gate. We went inside. I still cant get the smell out of my nose, burning hair and blood. There was a guard trapped in some sort of cage we couldnt save him. Ten of us went in to the gate, but they all got killed, except me and some guy named Savlian. I think he was a captain. Me and Martin are sleeping in shifts. I can’t believe we have to walk all the way back to chorrol. We’re halfway to skingrad now

Hearthfire 15th   
I pulled something out of the gate. A man at the mages guild offered me 70 gold and a one way use of their teleportation pad. I took it. Martin’s eating lunch right now. We should be back at weynon priory before the day’s over.

Hearthfire 16th   
The amulet of kings was stolen by the same group of assassins that killed the emperor. Everything is going horribly wrong  
Jauffrey said we have to travel north to a place called cloud ruler temple. I don’t want to go. I want to go home. I don’t want to do this anymore.   
We left mid afternoon on horseback. It’s much less scary now, we’re all in a group, we’re on horseback. I sang for the group tonight, Martin looked surprised when I sang the anuad, he said he hadn’t heard it in a very long time. He tried talking with me in dunmeri, but I only know a few words, and the songs Day taught me. He also speaks old cyrodilic and altmeri. We had more luck talking in altmeri because it’s super similar to bosmeri and aldmeri, it was still fumbly and difficult though. We decided just talking in cyrodilic would be easier. Martin seems less tense now, he was laughing a bit, he even sang with me for a bit. He’s a good man, but it’s kind of hard to believe he’s going to be an Emperor, he seems so kind and small. Martin says he finds it hard to believe he’s going to be emperor too, he just wants to keep being a priest. We talked about religion, and the divines. He sounded very priestly talking about them. He warned me that daedra are dangerous. I told him about South Winds prayer with Day, and how fondly she talked about Azura. Martin gave me the most priestly look but he said “Well, at least it’s Azura. Of the princes she’s certainly one of the most good.” he said that typically Azura and Meridia are the kindest and most benevolent, but he also said not to join any cults. Cults are always bad news, they’ll bring nothing but bad things into the world. I didn’t feel like talking anymore so I went into the tent to write.

Hearthfire 20th  
We made it to Cloud Ruler temple. It’s huge, the ceilings make everything echo and boom. Martin gave a very quaint speech when we got here, I think all of the blades have taken a liking to him. I can’t blame them. Even if he is very priestley, he’s actually kind and caring. He reminds me of my dad.   
Jauffrey offered to make me a member of the blades. I turned him down, I said I just want to go home. He said that as long as the Mythic Dawn, that group of assassins have the amulet oblivion gates will keep opening. I still turned him down though. I just can’t bring myself to make such an enormous oath to a god I’m not sure about. It doesn’t feel right. But I guess I don’t really have a choice about helping. What if one of those gates opened in the Imperial city, Day, and Christophe, and Myvryna, everyone would have to go through that. They might die. I have to push on, for everyone’s sake 

Hearthfire 21st   
Today Jauffrey said that I need to go to the Imperial city to work with Baurus. He said that I could take Focs, one of the horses, and he gave me some more supplies to help me make it through. I’m supposed to leave with the mid morning patrol. 

Heartfire 24th   
I’m back in the City. Day was so worried, she told me if I have to leave again to send letters. I said I’d try. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about Kvatch. She just would have gotten worried. Having dinner at home is the singular best experience I’ve had in the past little while. I’m going into the City proper tomorrow to meet up with Baurus. He was nice in the sewers, He’s a good man I think. 

Hearthfire 27th   
The past two days were a lot. I didn’t get to make it home, Baurus said it was too late to be wandering the streets, so I stayed the night with him. He let me have the bed, and he slept on the floor. I’ve made up my mind, Baurus is a very good man. When I first met up with him, there was a Mythic Dawn spy following him. He attacked us, and we had to kill him. Baurus said that he told the city guard and that they would send an undertaker over so that the innkeeper didn’t have to get involved. After that, we took the book we looted off him to the Arcane University, I had really hoped to see Ealia, but no such luck. She gave us the second copy and told us where we could get the third. Someone had bought the third, but when we told him what the book really was, he relented and gave us the book. He also told us how to get the fourth and final book. That night we had to go meet a group of Mythic Dawn agents, which we did. Baurus figured they’d attack us right away, so he had me hide and ambush them. There were three of them, but Baurus’s sword fighting was amazing. I kept them busy with a lightning spell while he attacked them head on. I think our team work was amazing. After everything was said and done, we had to crack a code, which lead us to a tomb. I marked down the location on my map. Now I have to go back to cloud ruler temple. I’m spending the night at home first though. 

Hearthfire 30th   
I’m back at Cloud Ruler temple. Jauffrey and Martin have been locked up in a room arguing for almost an hour   
I’m being sent to infiltrate the Mythic Dawn. Alone. I can’t feel my face. Martin said he’d help me practice my magic beforehand, and that Baurus was going to train me with my dagger. I can’t let them see how scared I am. I might die, I’m terrified. I’ll let Martin know where to find Day if I do die. I can’t be thinking of my own needs at a time like this. Everyone is doing their best to aid the search for the amulet and I need to do my best too. I need to be strong. 

Frostfall 4th   
I’ve been training non stop the past couple of days. I’m so sore and tired. I’m leaving next week. Everytime I think about it I get all panicky. Martin taught me a calm emotions spell, it’s helping me a lot. 

Frostfall 12th   
It’s the day before Witch’s Festival, and i’m not going to get to celebrate it for a third year in a row. I leave tomorrow morning, but I have to leave all of my things here. I’m terrified. This might be the last time I ever write in this journal. I already wrote notes to Day and Ealia, just in case. I tucked them in the front cover.


	6. Chapter 6

Frostfall 26th   
I made it out. Barely. I’ve been recovering from my injuries for the last week. The inside of the cave. Cameron. It’s all a blur. I managed to get some sort of book. Martin went pale when I showed him. I don’t know what it is, but it seems scary 

Frostfall 29th   
I’m up and walking again. Martin said not to try any training for the next couple of days so the healing magic will sit well. He hasn’t slept in a while, I can tell. His study reeks of coffee. 

Sun’s Dusk 1st   
I started training with the blades again. I’ve been working especially hard at my magic. Martin gave me his old spell book. I guess that old stodge Aine was right. Martin’s handwriting is very neat and tidy. There are some very hard spells in his old book, I never knew he was this good of a mage. While I was out Baurus and Caroline were dealing with their own infiltration mission. There were Mythic Dawn agents spying on Cloud Ruler temple. But they were successful in their mission. Unlike me. Martin says I’m too hard on myself, that I got out alive and that’s all that matters. I don’t buy it

Sun’s Dusk 4th   
I started training at archery with Caroline. She says I’m a natural. 

Sun’s Dusk 10th   
A letter arrived from Day, I wrote her back after training was done

Sun’s Dusk 13th   
Jauffrey said that Martin needed to see me halfway through training today. He was stone faced when I saw him. He said that I needed to find a daedric artifact. This is my chance. I’ll prove I’m not worthless after all. I need to go back to the City first and prepare. Jauffrey said I could take Focs again, which is all the better. I’d hate to have to walk 

Sun’s Dusk 15th   
I’m home again. Day was cross with me for putting myself in such danger, but mostly she just hugged me. She started calling me Fara. I hate it, but I won’t bother her about it. I owe her something for being such a useless hero. I asked her to talk to me about the Daedra again. She told about the Three Good Daedra. Azura, the prince of prophecy, Mephala, the webspinner, and Boethiah, the prince of plots. She said that the good Daedra all have shrines in Cyrodiil, and that I should ask Myvryna about them. She told me about the Tribunal as well, said that she remembered seeing them when she was very very young. She got sad when she talked about the Tribunal so I dropped it. I sang for her, she taught me part of another song, I have a long day tomorrow. I’m going to sleep 

Sun’s Dusk 16th   
Myvryna told me that there are shrines to the daedra in cyrodiil, but either she doesn’t want to tell me where they are or she doesn’t want to tell me. Ealia is in class today, so I’m going to hang around to see if I can catch her after. I’m sure she’ll know something about it.   
Ealia and I spent way too much time catching up. We were talking so long that we decided to go to the Arboretum. We sat there and talked until the sun set and we had to run back before she missed her curfew. I’m so happy, I’ve been grinning like an idiot all evening. Day said it’s puppy love. Maybe it is. Ealia was curious why I was so interested in daedric shrines, and I realized that I would have to lie. I froze up, but then i managed to think up a half lie. I told her about Day and about how in Morrowind they worship the Daedra instead of the Divines. She looked confused, but she told me about a man named Ontus Vanin that knew of a couple of shrine locations. She said she understood why I would turn away from the imperial pantheon, but warned me to be careful. I told her I would be, and she looked relieved. She has the prettiest smile. 

Sun’s Dusk 17th   
I talked to Ontus Vanin, he marked the locations of the shrines of Hircine, Vaermina, and Mephala onto my map. I’m going to bring a note to the University for Ealia before I leave. I told Day I had to leave again and she looked sad. I’m starting to think that things are never going to go back to normal.

Sun’s Dusk 18th   
I rode Focs to an inn, called Roxey Inn. I’m going to make the rest of the journey in the morning. I’m too tired to do anything but worry tonight.

Sun’s Dusk 20th   
My head spins every time I think about it. I got to the shrine and a priestess approached me to ask what business I had there. I told her I wanted to approach the shrine, and she told me that Lady Mephala liked offerings of nightshade given during the moonset. I followed her instructions and She really spoke to me. She asked me to help her spin a story in a town called Bleaker's Way. I was instructed to murder the heads of the two households while the town slept, and to leave evidence implicating the other family behind. 

Sun’s Dusk 22nd   
I’m back at Cloud Ruler Temple. I did what Lady Mephala asked of me and she gave me the Ebony Blade as a reward. I’ll give it to Martin after dinner, he’s locked in his study right now. I can feel it through my bag, it’s cold. I hope that this will work for what Martin needs. I haven’t slept in nearly two days, I almost came straight here from Bleaker’s Way. 

Martin got upset with me, he asked me how I got the Ebony Blade. I told him that Lady Mephala gave it to me. That did him in, he went pale and got quiet. He hates me. But he asked me to get a daedric artifact. How can he be so angry with me for being useful? He brought up Day, he said she was a bad influence. I ran away tonight. I left when everyone was asleep. I have to warn her. 

Sun’s Dusk 23rd   
Last night, a strange man woke me up from my sleep. He was nice enough. He gave me a dagger as an apology for startling me.

 

Sun’s Dusk 29th   
I got back to the City yesterday. I wanted to warn Day but she’s gone. Armaund said that she had to go to Cheydinhal on business. I left her a note. 

 

Evening Star 3rd   
I made it to the Inn of Ill Omen today. It was empty except for two people. I decided to sleep in the inn an hour up the road instead. 

Evening Star 6th   
I made it back to the City. There was a guard waiting at Day’s house. My heart skipped a beat when I saw them, but they were looking for me, not Day. The guard had a letter for me from Martin. I don’t even want to read it. I’ll read it when I get to Cheydinhal.


	7. Chapter 7

Evening Star 10th   
I cut across City Isle, the Rumare was a lot wider than it looks on the map. I still had Martin’s spell book, so I decided to use try the teleportation spell, and it worked. I teleported across the lake to the opposite shore. The road to Cheydinhal was quiet because I walked at night and slept during the day. I’m here now though. In the Cheydinhal Sanctuary. I’m going to backtrack and write in a lot of the details that I missed out on writing before. 

When Martin got upset with me, I was terrified that he’d end up getting Day into trouble, so I left to go warn her. That night, Speaker Lachance approached me. He told me that I was invited to join the Dark Brotherhood, and gave me instructions how to do so. I did, now I can keep my diary here, in the sanctuary, so I can write freely. I’ll just have to take a smaller field journal with me when I travel and paste the pages in after. Everyone in the sanctuary has been really kind to me. This feels right. 

Evening Star 11th   
I read Martin’s letter, he apologized for bringing up Day, and promised that he wasn’t trying to get her into trouble. And that I was right, he did ask for a daedric artifact, and that I got one for him so he shouldn’t have been so upset. And that Burma is in danger of a great gate opening, he says that’s the type of gate that opened in Kvatch. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should ask someone here or wait until Speaker Lachance comes back and ask him what to do. I’m just so lost, it feels like I don’t know up from down anymore, everything’s going so quickly, everything’s changing and it feels like the ground might crumble out from under me if I’m not careful.   
Speaker Lachance came back just a while ago. I told him what was happening, he seemed surprised and said that he didn’t take me as being a heroic type, let alone being the Hero of Kvatch. I was surprised that people were calling me the Hero of Kvatch. A title like that sounds so official and imposing, it doesn’t suit someone as weak as me at all. He told me that I should ask Count Cheydinhal to send aid to Bruma, but to be careful about what I say. I said it would make sense for me to sneak out tonight and come back in the morning, right through the front gates and march right in to the castle and ask for aid. If I have an official sounding title then I might as well act like it. He laughed, but he agreed with me. So, tonight I’m going to do just that. Martin was smart, he put his personal letter to me on a seperate sheet of paper to the one declaring that Bruma was in danger. He must have figured I’d need to show people the letter saying that Bruma was in danger. 

 

 

 

 

[Page pasted in from another, smaller journal]

Evening Star 12th   
Count Cheydinhal said that he couldn’t send aid until his son was safe. He said that another gate to Oblivion had opened a little whiles away, and that his son foolhardily went to go fight. I agreed to help him out, but I get what Och Ealia meant when she called him a “useless fetcher” now.   
I got to the outpost a couple minutes ago, the others are suiting up, we’re really going to do this. It would be a lot easier to close the gate without having to conduct a rescue mission. I’m so nervous I can’t feel my face, but now I have a title to live up to. This gate, I can see it from here, is a lot smaller than the one in Kvatch was. 

Evening Star 13th   
Closing the gate took half the day, but there were a lot fewer daedra, and a lot fewer corpses. Count Cheydinhal’s son is safe now, and he’s a complete coward. He said that the oblivion gate was the most terrifying thing he’s ever been through, and that he’ll never run off like that again. I wanted to tell him that his choice would just force more people with a lot less choice into harm's way, but I bit my tongue to get into the Count’s good books. He seemed happy that his son had “learned a lesson”. Leaders shouldn’t be this cowardly. If anything his son was right the first time. He was right that he should go to help. Leaders should bear the burden so that the innocent people under their care don’t have to.   
He said he’d send aid though.

[end of pasted section] 

I got back to the sanctuary around nightfall. Mr. Vicente said he had a contract for me. A pirate on the waterfront. My heart skipped a beat when he said the waterfront. I guess it’s a real possibility now that i’d be sent to kill Day. Even Ealia. I didn’t even think about that, I was too busy being emotional to think about that. But it’s too late now isn’t it. I’m bound by oath now, I chose my path. I don’t think I’m going to do much sleeping tonight. I think I’ll go use the alchemy station in the common room to make something.   
I’m super rusty with alchemy, I haven’t done it since school but I ended up with a usable health potion, and some sort of poison, probably. Maybe it would be good to write these things down… 

Evening Star 14th  
It’s early morning, and I took a bath and I’m ready to go. The sun’ll rise in a couple hours. I’ll sleep better after some fresh air anyways.


	8. Chapter 8

[another section pasted in from the field journal] 

Evening Star 14th   
I woke up around sunset, which was was jarring given that I fell asleep around sunrise. I’m going to try teleporting to City Isle from here. 

Evening Star 15th   
It was too far. I mean, it worked, but I passed out immediately after. Maybe I should ask Ealia about teleporting, if anyone I know would know, it would be her. I’m not sure i’d be comfortable asking Martin, even if he weren’t busy with that book. I’m lucky I teleported somewhere uninhabited  
I have no idea how to make it onto that ship. It’s huge. I’m going to go talk with Day and Ealia and come stake it out tonight.  
Day is still out on business. But Ealia didn’t have any classes because it was North Winds Prayer. She scolded me for trying such an advanced spell, but then she told me that I should practice teleporting short distances, like eyesight distances, to build up my tolerance. I told her I’d always been good at alteration and she gave me such a look. If looks could kill. She looked pretty happy when I said that as a trade off I still couldn’t use any destruction magic more advanced than a simple lightning spell. She has a really pretty smile. We talked again until she had to go for curfew. We ate lunch together, it was so nice.   
Teleport within eyesight gave me a really good idea. 

Evening Star 16th   
Lake Rumare was so cold I’m surprised I didn’t seize up and die when I jumped into it. Day came home to find me soaked and jittering around trying to draw a bath. She scolded me for getting so wet in the middle of the winter but drew me a bath anyways. We talked about what we’d been doing. I said, I’d just missed her, because I was asking Count Cheydinhal for aid for Bruma. She looked sad when I said that. We both miss how it used to be, but it can’t ever be like that again. She looked like she was going to cry but she said “I guess you’re all grown up after all.” It’s strange, being all grown up. 

Evening Star 17th  
I sold the steel dagger I used to use to Christophe. When I went to the Arcane University the person at the mail desk recognized and greeted me with “let me guess, a letter for Ealia?” She looked delighted when she saw the letter. She was nosy, but nice enough I guess. Baurus was waiting for me when I got home. Day was watching him like a hawk. Baurus scolded me for not sending a letter, and said I needed to come back with him. I told him I got aid from Cheydinhal. He’s really good at keeping a straight face. We rode together for a while before he talked, he said that everyone was worried terribly about me, and that I shouldn’t have run off like that. I apologized and we set up camp. He seems worried still, I guess I get why he’s worried. After all, it would be horrible if they lost their errand runner. I can imagine that it would be a pain to find someone else. 

 

Evening Star 18th   
We got back to Cloud Ruler temple in the afternoon. Martin hugged me for almost 15 minutes. He apologized a lot. I don’t think he’s using me, I think he really does care. Still. He said thank you for getting aid from Cheydinhal. He says he doesn’t want me to take the roads to ask for aid from the cities and that he and Jauffrey had arranged for me to be able to use the teleportation sigils in the mages guild to get around. I’m going to sleep here and leave in the morning. 

Evening Star 19th   
I’m in Bruma, Baurus and I (because he insisted on coming along) are waiting for the mage that knows how to activate it to show up. I’ve already been waiting thirty minutes and I have half a mind to try and use it myself.   
They showed up ten minutes after I wrote that, now we’re in Anvil. The plan is to go from city to city by teleportation sigil and then back to Bruma 

Evening Star 20th   
We got back to Cloud Ruler in the early hours of the morning, the date of the attack is approaching fast, I hope the reinforcements get here in time. The day they chose to attack is the 1st of Morning Star. We don’t have any time to lose. Martin said that the next piece of the puzzle is the blood of a god. This whole thing sounds absolutely ridiculous, but he said that its likely that he’d be able to get a sample of the blood of Tiber Septim from his armour. Tiber Septim’s armour. Which, of course, I’m being sent to go get. Not alone this time though. Baurus and Carolina are coming with me, we’re leaving tonight for a place called Sancre Tor. When I think about just how high the stakes are, I get a headache. Luckily my dagger will work against ghosts. Unthankfully the fact that Baurus pointed this out means we’re going to have to fight ghosts. I just want to live a simple life, I never wanted this, I just want to go home…


	9. Chapter 9

Evening Star 21st   
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this run of bad luck. We got to Sancre Tor in the middle of the night, so we camped out. In the morning, we ate and then headed up to the entrance, I offered to scout ahead since I know a chameleon spell. Baurus considered it for a moment and then gave me the key. I went in and scouted the place, and saw a ghost, and when I came back to report what I found? The entrance was blocked by some sort of invisible barrier. I pounded on it, but to no avail. Eventually they looked over and came to ask me what I found, I think. I couldn’t hear them at all. They must have thought I was playing a horrible game because Baurus tried to walk in and bounced face first off the barrier. He’s usually good at keeping a straight face, but he looked terrified. I’m going to have to do this alone. 

Evening Star 22nd   
I managed to talk with the ghosts, after besting them all in combat. Barely. They fought no holds barred. After the first fight I tried to sneak up on the others and get the jump on them. That worked for two of the four. I got the armour and that’s all that matters. Baurus’ face when I walked, or rather, stumbled out the front door was priceless. I will never forget that face as long as I live. 

 

Evening Star 23rd  
We got back to Cloud Ruler in the middle of the night and I immediately passed out. Baurus says he can’t blame me, he looked worried again. Martin was locked in his study all day, Jauffrey seems tense. I can’t bring myself to go train. I need to go back to Cheydinhal, but how to do that without arousing suspicion? I could teleport, but I’d need some sort of generator of magic, like a welkynd stone to go that far. I guess I’ll have to wait until after the battle for Bruma? 

Evening Star 25th   
It’s Saturalia but nobody is merry making. There’s this strange somber air in the temple. Martin spends all day in his study, the Blades are all training. I’ve tried training as well, but I just don’t have the drive for it right now. Everything's catching up with me all at once. I wrote to Day and Ealia, and told them to send letters for me to the Bruma chapel. That’s what Jauffrey said to do, and someone would come up to the temple with any letters. Mostly I’ve just been thinking. So much thinking. I’d have been reading my journal if it was here with me, but for now I’ve found a window that overlooks the courtyard so I sit and I think 

Evening Star 28th   
We’re headed out today. No one’s talking over breakfast. It’s quiet, like the calm before the storm. It’s unnerving.  
We’re in the castle now. Still, it’s quiet. I need something, some sort of distraction from the thinking. Music would be best 

Evening Star 29th   
We’re sleeping in shifts. I should be asleep but I can’t bring myself to fall asleep. I’m too nervous. I’m going to sing in the morning, if we’re not attacked by then   
I went outside this morning, up on a parapet and sang. One of the town guards came with me, she said I had a lovely singing voice, and said I should sing for the troops to lighten the mood   
We had a scare, the reinforcements from Anvil finally arrived, but there was a good minute we didn’t know who was marching on Bruma. It just gets more and more frightening the longer we wait. I had to run and hide in a closet to get some space, everyone wants to know what the gate was like. I don’t know how to tell them that I don’t remember Kvatch.   
Jauffrey pulled me into the meeting room to help plan. He got so angry when I said that I didn’t remember Kvatch. Martin yelled at him, and said that he shouldn’t treat “A child like her” like that. I’m not a child. And I’m not useless. I’ll show them. 

Evening Star 30th   
We’ve evacuated most of the city to Cloud Ruler Temple by now. Some of the citizens refused to leave, and joined into the ranks of the guards. We’re a lot better prepared here than we were in Kvatch 

Morning Star 2nd   
The gate opened at midnight. We were ready though. I slipped away around the flank while the militia formed ranks around the gate’s entrance. They pinned the daedra in on the ground with support from the archers on the rooftop. I slipped into the gate, and ran. I knew what I was looking for this time, I told Jauffrey that it would be faster and safer for me to go alone, I was right. I got badly injured on my left leg by an arrow I didn’t see coming, so I used some of a salve that Baurus gave me made out of a numbing poison to kill the pain. I managed to get to the top of the tower fine after that, and pull the glowing orb from the pedestal. When I opened my eyes I was right in front of the chapel, there were a few very confused soldiers surrounding me. That was scarier than the fight itself. But I got sent back to the medic, and they fixed my leg up right away, I can already walk on it again. Bruma is in a tizzy, citizens are rushing back to their homes, the reinforcements are all leaving back home, I’ll leave soon too.   
Martin said the thing I pulled from the gate is a sigil stone and that he needed it. I gave it to him and he invited me to come to his study to see what was going on when we got back to Cloud Ruler Temple 

Morning Star 4th   
We’re finally back at Cloud Ruler. Martin showed me his study, and helped me practice a few new spells. He told me about Welkynd stones, and how there were greater and lesser ones, which I guess makes sense if I think about it. He said that the last thing he needed was a greater Welkynd stone. He apologized a lot for dragging me into this. He told me that a greater Welkynd stone could be found in the ruins of Miscarcand, but that it’s almost certainly guarded by a vengeful ghost. Lovely. I left to go back home. 

[ This is the end of the pasted pages ]

Morning Star 6th   
I’m finally back in the Sanctuary. Vicente said they had started to worry I wasn’t coming back, I think he was only half joking. He said I’d been gone so long they already had another contract for me. This time it’s in Bruma. I lamented that he hadn’t been able to tell me while I was still there. He gave me a knowing look but he still laughed it off. He’s hard to read, but that really shouldn’t surprise me. Miscarcand, the ruin that Martin told me to go to is all the way out near Kvatch. I have half a mind to teleport there to get it over with, but I have to get the contract completed first. I really do have the strangest luck. I wanted to ask M'raaj Dar a question, but I get the distinct sense that he hates me and I shouldn’t bother him.. I asked Vicente instead, about how to know how much energy a spell would take to cast. He asked me what spell I was casting, he looked surprised when I said that I knew teleportation, and even more surprised when I said I’d been able to teleport from Cheydinhal to City Isle. He said that typically, as long as you can picture the place, teleporting anywhere out of eyesight would take the same amount of energy, which, now that I think about it, is probably why Ealia told me to practice teleporting within eyesight distances. I guess I am growing as a mage after all. Well, at the very least, I’ve gotten adept with alteration magic. I’m fairly good with Illusion as well. Maybe I should try learning an invisibility spell? I feel a little proud of myself, I know I’ve been practicing hard, so I guess it was inevitable I’d end up progressing.   
Speaker Lucien came to the sanctuary in the early evening to talk with Ocheeva. He said I’d been impressive at Bruma, I wonder how he knew about Bruma. Maybe he’d followed me?


	10. Chapter 10

[Another pasted in page]

Morning Star 7th   
I teleported to Bruma earlier today. It was exhausting, but I didn’t pass out this time, I’m getting better with magic. I don’t have to go to work until tonight anyways, so I’m just relaxing, staying out of sight. Nobody’s paying attention to me, which is good, I made sure to wear my plainclothes and my winter cloak, not my armour.   
I found his house easily, it was quick and painless today, but I don’t have enough energy to teleport back home. So I decided to camp out in the forest, I’m glad I had the good sense to bring my pack with me. I snuck out of the city by using a very handy spell from Martin’s old spellbook, blink. It’s a super short range version of a teleportation spell, handy for slipping in and out of a house, or city in this case. 

[End of pasted page]

Morning Star 8th   
I teleported back to Cheydinhal this morning, into the house actually, I’m drained but I think that I feel even less tired than the last time I used it, practice makes perfect I guess. I spent the day relaxing, I took a bath, I read one of the books on the bookshelf and I talked a lot with Telaendril. She’s knows a lot more than me about Valenwood, but I did get to practice speaking bosmeri again, it’s been so long since I’ve spoken it that I was a little rusty if I’m honest. Telaendril is really impressive with a bow, I don’t think I’ll ever get that good, she said she’d been training since she was just a little kid with a bow. She also taught me a new poison recipe for a paralysis poison; Nightshade, Ginseng, Venom from a Spider Daedra, and Clannfear claws. Made into a tincture over several weeks, then distilled gives a potent paralysis poison. I helped her start a batch to split between us. 

Morning Star 9th   
I woke up feeling better than I have in a long while. I asked permission to leave for Miscarcand, which made Vicente laugh. He said I’m free to come and go as I please, that I only need to check in now and again for contracts. I don’t know what I expected, really. Maybe it's because everyone else seems to live there that I figured I was just stuck here until I got given a contract… 

 

[Pasted in]

Morning Star 10th   
I got to Miscarcand today, I teleported to Kvatch to get here. It's still completely destroyed, I couldn't bear to look at it, it was horrible. The wilderness around Miscarcand was as pleasant as I remembered. I wore my leather armor, it's starting to get kinda small and constricting. 

Morning Star 13th?   
I was inside Miscarcand so long I’ve lost track of the days. It was huge, all white marble and tarnished silver. Martin was right, there was an angry ghost guarding the stone. And a flock of goblins, and some zombies, and a few skeletons as well. I’ve never been so exhausted. I don’t even have the energy to walk back to Kvatch to sleep tonight. But, I’ve got the greater Welkynd stone now. I also managed to find quite a few soul gems and a couple of pieces of jewelry that I’m sure Cristophe would be interested in.

Morning Star 15th   
I woke up early this morning, I spent a day more than I’d thought in Miscarcand. I’m at Cloud Ruler temple having lunch right now. Martin praised me for being brave, and Jauffrey gave me a new set of leather armour that fits me much better. Martin seemed distracted. All of the others are going to a South Winds Prayer’s service. There were letters waiting for me from Ealia and Day, I’m going to read them tonight, but for now I’m going to take a nap.   
I slept through dinner. But! I still have some stuff in my pack. I need to clean out my pack, it’s starting to smell like travelling. Martin’s holed up in his study, even though it’s really late.   
I read Day’s letter first, she’s in Leyawiin “visiting friends” for the next while. Ealia sent me a novel, not a letter. Not that I’m complaining, I can hear her voice when I read her letters, it’s like having a long conversation. She talked about classes, and particularly her Mysticism teacher, who is apparently a layabout good for nothing. She says she’s really enjoys it anyways. She also sent me a pretty button she’d found in the back of one of the classrooms, I think I’ll sew it on to my plainclothes chemise. 

[end of the pasted section]

Morning Star 16th   
I came back to the sanctuary first thing this morning, I slept most of the day, and woke up around dusk. Speaker Lucien was in, he pulled me aside to ask about Martin, and the stuff going on in Cloud Ruler temple, I guess that makes me a spy now? I told him everything he asked about. He’s really good at listening cause I talked at him for at least an hour, and he seemed to not lose interest. Vicente said he had another contract for me, but he told me that I needed to rest up first. I am pretty sleepy, I guess I’m still recovering from Miscarcand. The sanctuary is really quiet tonight. Just about everyone else is out on a contract, or just out period. I didn’t realize how much I missed everyone. I’m starting to feel like I’m really part of the family, I feel safe here. Besides M’raaj Dar everyone is so nice and caring. Antoinetta and Tennaiva always ask me what i’ve been up to, and Telaendril likes to do alchemy with me, or try to teach me how to use a bow better. Ocheeva and Vicente are distant, but always kind. Grogon, well, if I’m honest I think he’s a little confused, but he’s got the spirit, and he gives really good hugs. Everything feels okay when I’m here. I think I’m starting to fit in, like I’m part of this family, actually part of it. 

Morning Star 17th   
I ended up passing out halfway through the night and then waking back up in the early morning. Vicente gave me another contract. I get to kill Valen Dreth. I thought the name sounded familiar, and then he brought up the sewers, and the prison. I know him, and I doubt that anyone’s going to miss such an awful fetcher of a man. 

 

Morning Star 19th   
That was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done. There were guards everywhere. Baurus was waiting at Day’s house. I just barely made it out unnoticed, but I did it. I passed out when I got back to the sanctuary from using too much magicka, Telaendril found me outside the black door covered in gore and panicked. I feel bad for worrying everyone, but I panicked when I saw Baurus. Day? I could explain being in gore soaked armour to her, if she was even home, which she wasn’t. But not Baurus. He would have gotten too suspicious. I’m fine I just have a headache from using magicka I didn’t really have. I must have apologized a hundred times by now. Tomorrow I need to find out what Baurus wanted skulking around the house. 

[pasted in]

Morning Star 20th   
I got back to the house in the late morning, Baurus was still there sulking around, I feel kinda bad for him, always getting sent to contact me. He said I was urgently needed and took me along with him. I left a note for Day. I wish I had some way of contacting my older brother when I get dragged along on another fetch quest.


	11. Chapter 11

Morning Star 22nd   
We’re back at Cloud Ruler temple. Martin figured out how to open the door to what he called Mankar Camoran's Paradise. When I heard the cultists talking about Paradise, I figured it was just a metaphor for the afterlife in Oblivion. I guess it’s a literal place after all… Needless to say, I’m the one getting sent in to fight him. I wonder where my soul will go if I get killed there. Will I end up stuck there for eternity? Will I get pulled out into another afterlife? I don’t know, it scares me. Writing about this is making me want to cry, I feel like I’m on the verge of screaming.   
Martin said he’d open the gate at midnight. When I told him that I had letters for Day and Ealia in case I died he looked so guilty. I don’t know why he feels like it’s his fault. He can’t well go in there for me, and who knows what would happen if we sent someone else in. It can’t be helped that I’m the one with the most experience with the Mythic Dawn among us. I’ve packed up and divided my things just in case. Martin said I wouldn’t be able to bring anything with me. He said that I should study how to summon a daedric weapon, just in case. I doubt I’d be able to pull it off to be honest. I’ve never done even basic conjuration before. 

Morning Star 25th   
I was in Camoran’s Paradise for only a day, dawn to dusk, but apparently 3 days have passed here on Nirn. Martin had the worst dark circles I’ve ever seen. He looks like he got punched in the face. Carolina says he watched the portal the whole time, barely taking breaks to eat or sleep. I feel bad that I made him worry so much. I’m not going to write much about Camoran or his Paradise, I don’t ever want to think about it again. It was beautiful, dazzlingly beautiful, but deadly. Cameron was completely out of it. I managed to catch him off guard while he was blabbering about the “Coldharbour of Meridia” I asked Martin about what he had been saying, and Martin said he’d gotten all of the names mixed up. We laughed about it. The important thing is that I got the amulet back. We’re all going to go back to the Imperial City, Martin is going to be crowned Emperor and everything will be right again. The Oblivion Crisis is over, we did it!  
[end of pasted in section]  
Sun’s Dawn 2nd   
I’ve been unable to write because of everything that’s happened, and because everytime I think about it I burst into tears.   
On Morning Star 26th, we left Cloud Ruler Temple, Martin was dressed up in the emperor’s robes, wearing the Amulet. He hid it all under a cloak. He looked right like he was meant to be wearing such fancy clothes. Him, me, Baurus, Carolina, and Jauffrey left to Bruma, and teleported to the Arcane University via the Bruma Mages Guild. Everyone else left via the road with a decoy “emperor”.   
We made it to the University fine, there was already the Arch Mage waiting for us, and I think there was more? Maybe some senior mages? We all went together to where we were supposed to meet another detachment of guards, at the Temple of the One. Then we were supposed to go on from there to the palace to meet with the Elder Council. But it didn’t happen. Just as we got to the temple, there was a deafening noise, and the skies all filled with thunder and red clouds. There were three gates that had opened. Everything was on fire, so many people screaming, so much blood. I don’t remember a lot of it. The last thing I remember before passing out was Martin saying goodbye. There was a blinding flash of fire, the whole sky was pale blue fire, it was hot, like the worst summer day imaginable. Then I passed out I think. Baurus was the one who told me what had happened later on. Martin sacrificed himself, and he fought Mehrunes Dagon himself. He protected all of Tamriel. I hope that he’s happy now, safe and tucked away in a peaceful afterlife. My eyes are sore from all this crying. I think the others are starting to worry about me, Ocheeva and Tennaiva both haven’t stopped trying to comfort me. They worry too much, I’m not weak, I just needed to get the shock out of my system is all   
I went to ask Vicente a question today, he seemed worried about me too. He offered to lend me a book, it’s written in Old Cyrodilic, he said most of his books were very old, with archaic language, but he offered to teach me the words I didn’t know. We talked about Martin, and I said that I had to send out letters. I’m going to send Day and Ealia the letters I wrote last time I was at Cloud Ruler Temple. I asked Annie to give me a haircut like hers. It would be easier for everyone, including myself if Faranil died. Vicente agreed.


	12. Chapter 12

Sun’s Dawn 4th   
I’ve been holed up in the sanctuary reading for the past two days. I figured out the name that I want to take. Saria. It’s an old word for spell. I think it’s a pretty sounding name   
Annie said it was the prettiest name, and Tennaiva said he was glad to meet his new sister. My whole family has been do accepting and kind, I don’t know what I would do without them. Telaendril offered to switch plainclothes with me until I could go out to get some new ones. We couldn’t swap corsets because I’m still flat chested, thankfully. I like how people don’t know if I’m a boy or a girl when they look at me. 

Sun’s Dawn 5th   
Vicente said he had the perfect contract for me, I’m supposed to fake a man’s death. He laughed because apparently I looked as offended as I felt. What kind of contract is this anyways? Who hires assassins to fake their death? I’m especially offended because I literally just faked my own death without having to ask for any help. Vicente just laughed when I pointed this out, but, it’s not exactly like I can refuse a contract. As much as I wish I could get someone else to do it. 

 

Sun’s Dawn 6th   
The contract was easy enough, except for Motierrie’s awful acting. That man couldn’t fool Grogon with his acting. That man couldn’t fool a damned mudcrab with his acting. I probably stabbed him harder than I needed to out of sheer annoyance. But, I got it done. It’s a good thing I know restoration magic, because I got him good. I’m going to sleep for the rest of the damn day. 

Sun’s Dawn 7th   
I did more reading today, when I went to give Vicente his book back, he told me that I would have to start getting my contacts from Ocheeva now. I’ve been advanced to the rank of Eliminator, and Vicente gave me an amulet with a strength and willpower enchantment as a reward. I don’t think I’ll ever take it off. 

Sun’s Dawn 16th   
It’s hearts day and all I can think about is Ealia. Telaendril said that it gets easier with age when she caught me staring into my spellbook and not really reading it. I blushed so hard it felt like my face was going to set on fire. She laughed at me, then we practiced a new spell together. Chameleon, a stronger variant than I’d known before. She got tired pretty quickly, but she picked up on the spell really fast.

Sun’s Dawn 19th   
I’ve been going stir crazy being cooped up in the sanctuary, Ocheeva said that it was good for me to rest, but if I was so restless there was a contract that was available. She said no one had been interested (except Gorgon, who isn’t allowed to go on this particular contract). I panicked a little when she said imperial city. So now I’ve decided that I have to do it. The only way for me to get over not wanting to go back is to go back. She seemed worried, but I told her, I was just worried about having to look at the statue of Martin. I have to do this, to prove to myself I’m not a coward. She seemed relieved by my explanation, so now I’m going on to the Imperial City. 

[note held in with a paperclip]

faenlin visit augusta   
atreana   
\---

Sun’s Dawn 21st   
The contract was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. I made sure to go look at the statue of Martin, I didn’t feel anything. I’ve decided that I should feel proud of him. He saved the world as we know it, that’s a legacy that won’t be easily forgotten. The destruction to the City was apparent though, not that it hindered my contract. Everyone was too busy rebuilding to think twice about me. Faenlin was easy to track down, and easier to get isolated. An easy contract, and a very pleased older sister. 

 

Sun’s Dawn 24th   
I’ve been practicing my alchemy, and I finally refined that thrice damned poison I’ve been after. It worked perfectly when I tested it on one of the rats from the house above. It acts super fast, I’ll just have to make sure to dose it right if I use it on a contract. 

Sun’s Dawn 27th   
The worst thing happened. I woke up and my legs were covered in bed. Poor Annie got scared senseless when she walked in to see my shirt and legs bloodstained. I was in a panic, she was in a panic, poor Vicente was in a panic. It’s a good thing Ocheeva is in charge because all of us damn near lost our heads. She shooed out the other two and got me into a bath, which helped with the pain I didn’t realize I had. I started crying in the bath, poor Ocheeva comforted me, I think she was surprised I hadn’t bled like this before. When I calmed down, I told her that I was sad because it meant that my chest would start getting bigger, that I wouldn’t be able to flatten it down with my corset any more. She gave me this knowing look but she didn’t say anything more. She showed me how to use old rags and a strange belt to soak up the blood. 

Sun’s Dawn 28th   
Ocheeva talked with me today about me being upset about growing curves. She said that she knew that some people go through the wrong puberty growing up, but that typically it can be corrected with some simple alteration magic. I told her that i wasn’t a boy, and didn’t want to be a man either. She suggested that maybe I was neither. I never considered that. She said that alteration magic could still help get rid of curves, but that she’d have to ask about how to stop me from bleeding every month. I groaned when she said that, my lower back is so sore it’s driving me up the wall. 

First Seed 3rd   
The bleeding has stopped! I thought it would never end. Genuinely, I wish to never go through that again. Vicente offered to make me a vampire, but I turned him down. I guess it would stop me from bleeding, but I’d be stuck short and baby faced for the rest of my life. I’ll just push through, I’ve suffered worse


	13. Chapter 13

First Seed 4th   
Another contract came in, and I actually get to take this one. I hate sitting around at home doing nothing useful for too long. I hate being useless. I’m not useless. I have a purpose. I am an assassin for the Dark Brotherhood. I’m useful.   
I have to go to Fort Sutch, sneak into the main chamber and switch out the leader’s medicine for poison. The poison that i made, in fact. I made sure to make extra, just in case I need it. I’ll head out at dusk. 

First Seed 6th   
Finally home. I had to teleport to Kvatch, because I’ve never been any further than that. The crawl through the jungle, frankly, sucked. It was boggy, and there were so many bugs, everywhere. The fort was even worse. It was stuffy and smelled horrific. It made my armour nigh unbearable. But the worst part was those stupid guards. They just would not look away. I ended up using sleep spells. I made the two guards guarding the medicine cabinet sleepy over the course of twenty minutes. Which gave me just enough time to dart up to the cabinet and switch the potions before I teleported out of there. Ocheeva seemed very happy with my efficiency. She also brought happy news about my issues. She managed to find copies of the spells needed to erase any hints of curves, permanently. I was quite happy to accept that as a reward for a job well done. 

First Seed 7th   
Tennaiva pulled me aside earlier, he said that he needed help with something. It turns out, there’s a traitor, one that Tennaiva and Ocheeva used to know. Of course I agreed to help, apparently he’s hiding near Leyawiin. He said that Speaker Lucien would have more information   
Speaker came around early this evening and told me I needed to take a couple days off, I agreed, running into a fight with someone trained without a full rest would be stupid. He told me everything I needed to know though. I’ll leave in two days, if everything goes well, I’ll return in three.  
I just realized that today is First Planting. Time works so differently in the sanctuary...

First Seed 8th   
Annie had a really bad panic attack today, I feel so bad for her. She doesn’t like to be touched while she’s panicking 

First Seed 9th   
I’m leaving today, I’ve realized that I’ve never been any farther south than the Inn of Ill omen, so I’ll have to travel from there, it’ll be easier than trying to teleport somewhere based off a picture, which I’ve heard some very skilled mages can do. I am not one of those mages. 

[this section is pasted in] 

First Seed 10th   
I made it to Bravil today. Despite what everyone says, the town feels homey and comfortably. Maybe it just reminds me of the Waterfront. I should be halfway to Leyawiin tomorrow.

First Seed 11th  
I made it just over halfway to Leyawiin. Someone/thing has been stalking me since Bravil, I think. I hid myself as best I could, but we shall see 

First Seed 12th   
I didn’t sleep last night, I just made for Leyawiin with everything I had. It’s mid afternoon, I don’t feel like I’m being watched anymore, but I’m going to find a room and rig it with alarm wires and go to bed 

 

 

[end of pasted section]


	14. Chapter 14

First Seed 13th   
I left in the early night, nothing seemed to follow me from Leyawiin, it must have been just wolves I was noticing. Scar Tail was hiding where Tennaiva said he would be. I didn’t try to sneak up on him, I think it would have been pointless to try. What I did do was talk to him. He was very condescending, even after I promised to leave him be. I didn’t leave him be. I waited for him to step into a wet patch and gave him everything I had with a lightning spell. It did enough damage that I was able to finish the job with my dagger. I don’t know what he was thinking, trusting me like that. Not that I can really complain about not having the fight taken to me 

First Seed 19th   
I’ve made good progress with the spell Ocheeva gave me, M’raaj Dar has been helping me out with summoned creatures, he grumbles about it, but we’re both getting good practice out of it. 

First Seed 20th   
I had the worst nightmare last night. I was back in Cameron’s demi plane, and then slowly, the bright paradise turned back into oblivion, and then into a pit filled with gore, writing and making agonized noises. I woke up with an awful start, but at the very least I didn’t scream. 

First Seed 21st   
I got assigned another contract, Ocheeva seemed so excited when she was telling me about it. I’ve been assigned to go to a rather fancy party, I’m supposed to pretend to be a guest, then without blowing my cover, eliminate each of the other guests. I don’t understand Ocheeva’s excitement, this seems even more stressful than Fort Sutch, or the Valen Dreth contract. Ocheeva however, will not be stopped once she’s set her mind to being cheery. She pulled an old suit out of some chest, somewhere. Really, I shouldn’t be at all surprised that Ocheeva is good at hiding things. The suit has a lovely black and silver tunic, grey silk hose (that were almost a foot too long for me) and a lovely chemise. It matches my amulet perfectly. That’s what I’ll be wearing to the party. The date is set for the 26th. 

First Seed 27th   
The contract went, well enough. I did manage to meet the parameters, barely. That old drunk man Nells was a lot sharper than I thought he’d be. I guess that’s just proof of the concept that you shouldn’t ever underestimate your opponent. I had managed to kill that racist Breton lady, Matilda? After we socialized for a while, they all went off looking for the “treasure”. She was easy enough to corner. I got her with my knife. Then I got the dunmer lady to run off to the bedroom, where I got her too. When we “found” the bodies, Nels ran to the front door and then said that there wasn’t any treasure, but that it was all a ruse. I got Primo to give him some ale that I had poisoned. When Nels died Neville accused Primo of being the assassin, which of course I agreed with. We killed Primo together, and then I finished him off myself. I don’t like these sorts of contracts. Just because I’m not a horrific actor doesn’t mean I’m the best suited for these infiltration type contracts. My stomach hurts terribly. I’m going to try and sleep. 

 

First Seed 28th   
When I woke up, Ocheeva gave me the biggest hug. She cupped my face and I got the biggest jolt of adrenaline. She said that I was given the Night Mother’s blessing. I’ve felt this dizzy light headedness ever since. She also gave me a potion that she said was used as a contraceptive, but that she said would stop me from bleeding. I hope it works out for me. 

First Seed 30th   
I made my cure poison potion today, and not, I must say, under the most favourable conditions. M’raaj Dar was grumbling, as per usual, only today it wasn’t out of dislike for me. He’d been poisoned, by someone. I managed to make the potion from my spellbook despite how bad my hands were shaking. He seemed a bit more friendly with me after I saved him. Annie says that he’s only grumpy because he doesn’t want to get close with someone who’s just going to die right away. I can understand that much.   
Speaker Lucien was so angry when he arrived, he marched through the dorms and turned everything over. He didn’t do a good job of putting things back, he managed to rip part of the first letter Ealia gave me. More importantly, he was absolutely terrifying. I got so scared that I couldn’t move. Once he left I barely managed to make it to the bathroom with my dignity intact before I started crying. I took so long crying that Ocheeva came to check on me. I couldn’t lie to her. I told her about what it was like with karelia and jauffrey. She seemed to understand. She always understands. She really is my big sister. 

Rain’s Hand 15th   
Speaker Lucien stopped coming to the sanctuary. Usually he comes by at least once a week, but he hasn’t been here at all. 

Rain’s Hand 16th   
I’ve spent most of the past while curled up in one corner or another. I feel so numb. Everyone has withdrawn into themselves and I am completely alone. I’ve found that there’s a space in the pantry where I fit nicely. There’s also an area behind the bookshelves that I fit into. I’m sure that everyone thinks that I did it. I’m such a useless failure. I’m worthless


	15. Chapter 15

Rain’s Hand 18th   
Things are settling down. Speaker Lucien still hasn’t been to the sanctuary, but I was given a very important contract. I’m being sent to kill Adamus Phillida. I don’t know why I got trusted with such an important contract. I have to be better, I have to prove that I’m not useless. Telaendril offered to let me borrow her enchanted bow Shadowhunt for the contract because I was given a special arrow to help killing him. I feel like I should be scared, but instead I just feel a buzz of energy. 

Rain’s Hand 19th   
I got into my new set of clothes, finally. It’s pretty plain, which is perfect. Annie even swapped cloaks with me. If i’ve done this right, I should be completely anonymous, or, at the very least not recognized as the Hero of Kvatch. When I was in Leyawiin last, I stayed at the five claws inn, but this time I think it would be best for me to stay outside of the city walls. I’m going to enter the city and sell some of my alchemy equipment, and observe. Ocheeva provided me with a rough timetable that I’d like to fill in with my own observations.   
Rain’s Hand 21st   
Ocheeva told me I should write everything down, so I don’t forget any details.  
The contract went a lot better than I had expected. He was alone in the barracks, I managed to slip in to the barracks during a shift change, which I admit was a really risky move, but I used invisibility, which is entirely disconcerting, to look down and not see your own body. He did have a seperate room, which was a very lucky happening. I hid on top of his dresser using an invisibility spell whenever I heard anything at the door. Which was exhausting, but it meant that when he walked in and said goodnight to his bodyguard I had a perfect shot. That’s the longest I’ve ever maintained an invisibility spell. He sat down on the bed, facing away from me, unfortunately, it would have been easier on me if he fell backwards onto the bed. I dropped the invisibility spell, and hit him square in the back, which shouldn’t have been a finishing blow, but I assume that the special arrow and Telaendril’s bow are what did him in. Then, before he could fall on the floor, I used a telekinesis spell to drastically slow his fall so he wouldn’t make too much noise. I got his finger, like was asked, and teleported out to the camp that I’d killed scar tail at. I forgot to bury him. It wasn’t pleasant. But, I did manage to get something of a sleep during the day. At night, I teleported to the imperial city. My disguise worked perfectly, because not a single soul paid attention to me. After an hour of watching and waiting, I got my chance to sneak into the office and plant his finger. I then teleported back home, I wasn’t about to waste time waiting around to get caught.   
Everyone seems happy tonight. Things are finally getting back to normal.


	16. Chapter 16

Rain’s Hand 22nd   
I woke up around midday, Ocheeva was grinning like mad, she said Speaker Lucien wanted to meet with me. She made sure that I was all preened and ready for the day. She said it’s rare that a Speaker would ask to speak with a sibling in private, so that it must be super important. To be honest, I’ve gotten this terrible sinking feeling. It must be I’m nervous to be alone with him after what happened with M’raaj Dar. I’ve got nothing to worry about, unless I’ve done something wrong, which I haven’t. M’raaj Dar actually talked to me earlier, he apologized for how cold he’s been, he said that I had more than proven I was a Dark Sibling through and through. We hugged and made up, I can’t help but be happy. 

my face is numb, my hands are numb, my chest feels tight. apparently the traitor that we’ve been hearing about, is from the sancturay. The Cheydinhal sanctuary. my home. Speaker says he doesnt know who it is, and has run out of time to figure it out. so i have to purify the sanctuary by killing everyone. I dont have any words to say. Ive been sat on a rock outside the fort now for a while. Part of me wants to run away, but something is pulling me forward. I have to do this. its my duty. because i was ordered to. because its up to me to protect the rest of the family. because i made a vow when i killed rufio. knowing that doesnt make it any easier. I cant believe i have to do this. none of them seem to be the traitor. they are all perfectly loyal. But apparently not. 

 

 

Second Seed 1st   
It is done. Everyone is dead. I feel like I've been hollowed out, i find myself drifting off into waking sleep a lot now. I made sure that at least everyone was cremated. I'll never get the smell out. It’s part of me now, the smell of funeral pyre. I suppose it’s fitting that an assassin smell like death. Speaker told me that I am now his Silencer, which means that I will live on the road between contracts. At the end of everything, my family, my home, it’s all been taken away. He seems disgusted by me. I can’t blame him. Even if it was by orders, I still broke a tenant. I truly am a disgusting murderer. The least I can do is be a useful one. I have my first contract. I’m meant to kill a lich. I wish I could ask Ealia’s advice. But I am a shadow now, I do not exist outside of my usefulness. 

Second Seed 3rd   
I found him and destroyed his phylactery. I took his spellbook as a prize. I feel nothing but this terrible emptiness. When I think of my family, I feel a great sorrow, but I can’t bring myself to cry. I wake up screaming in the night from the terrible nightmares. Destroyer, defiler, traitor, i can hear them cry. That undulating pit of gore consumes me, but I am never no more. 

Second Seed 5th?   
I’ve lost my sense of time. I’m awake only at night, so perhaps it doesn’t matter. I’ve taken to practicing restoration magic. I’ll open cuts on my legs and watch them heal away. Maybe one time my healing will take away some of this terrible emptiness. 

Masser Full, Secunda waning   
I found my next dead drop. I am to eliminate an entire family. Oh bitter irony that they all might die together while I live on 

Masser waning, Secunda crescent   
I found the mother first, she gave me a list of her children’s names and location, the silly woman. She was old and weak. Next will be Matthias, I have stalked him two nights now, he will die tonight 

Masser crescent Secunda dark   
Matthias was easy enough to deal with. Shadowhunt always strikes true. The next on the list is a merchant. He lives in a secluded place near Leyawiin. I think that poison will be the easiest way to dispatch him. 

Masser crescent Secunda dark   
He was an easy kill. His sister will be much harder. She’s captain of the guard, she’ll put up a damned good fight if I’m not careful. I plan on dealing with her in her sleep. It’s a good thing I’m familiar with the inside of those barracks. The shift change at evening should be the easiest way in, but to be safe I should watch for a day 

Masser dark Secunda crescent   
It was pitch dark tonight, and Caelia lies in the void. I thank all my lucky stars I was born a bosmer, else I wouldn’t be half as useful hunting at night. Next is Sibylla. She lives near Cheydinhal, in a cave, far away from prying eyes.   
Masser dark Secunda quarter   
I dispatched her quickly. Her wolves put up more of a fight. I’m in the sanctuary again. It doesn’t feel safe, or warm. The silence is deafening. I took a bath, and nearly fell asleep. I half expected for Ocheeva to knock at the door and ask me to get out. How easily we forget our sins when we are half asleep. I used my dagger to carve into my legs again, stripes, like a Khajiit. One for each family member slain. I think I’ll leave them to scar. I can’t let myself forget the price they paid, by my hand.


	17. Chapter 17

Masser crescent Secunda waxing   
I made it to my next dead drop. It was halfway across the province, in Skingrad. I have to go back to Bruma. It’s strange. I should feel something, sadness? Nostalgia? But it’s nothing but hollow numbness. Perhaps this is what it truly means to be an assassin. Devoid of feeling. I would ask my family’s opinion, but I can’t now. I have no siblings left that I am allowed to speak with. 

Masser crescent Secunda waxing, the next night   
I killed the man I was sent to kill. My stomach dropped when I did. Is the guilt finally catching up with me? Guilty weak pathetic no one. Not even good for the one thing it’s useful at. I prefer the numbness to this overwhelming sadness. 

Masser quarter Secunda full  
The sky is getting bright at night again. I really wish these dead drops weren’t consistently in the middle of nowhere. It doesn’t matter what I want. I want my family back, I want my life back, or at the very least I wish that I could face their judgment, instead of this cold empty silence. This ambivalence towards me. It makes sense though. I have been cast out for my sins, but not allowed to leave because of my continued usefulness. I don’t deserve any better. I deserve this fate.

Masser quarter Secunda waning   
This contract was hard. I was underwater the whole time, I had no choice but to strip out of my armour. The freshwater burned my eyes, and the waterbreathing spell burned my lungs, but I finished the contract. The argonian lady put up quite the fight, but standing on the pool floor let me electrocute the water, I’m surprised that I managed to control the spell well enough to not kill myself in the process

Masser waxing Secunda crescent  
Tracking down this man took so long. Thankfully the roads often go unpatrolled. 

Masser full Secunda new   
I’m tempted to go see Day and Ealia, since I’m in the city. But i no longer exist to them. They can’t know I live.   
I spied on Day. She and Baurus seem cozy. At least she’s not alone anymore 

Masser waning secunda crescent   
The high mountains are still terribly cold, even though I’m sure that it’s approaching midyear festival. These cliffs are high, and the falls are deadly. It’s secluded enough that I can sleep without fear of attracting attention.   
Midyear 20th   
I restocked on supplies this afternoon, and got to the next dead drop. This time, it’s inside Bravil proper. Finally somewhere I can easily access. 

Midyear 21st   
I have failed. I am disgraced and useless. Speaker revealed to me that in fact I had not been completing contracts, but killing members of the family. He spared my worthless life so that I could find who had replaced my orders. I am pathetic, a traitor to the only family i’ve ever had. I need to focus, I need to redeem my Speaker, my worthlessness should never be blamed on him. I expect that when I return to Applewatch, I’ll be punished for my uselessness. I deserve it. I deserve to die, I deserve to suffer and die. 

Midyear 30th   
Again I have failed. Again and again all I do is fail. I found the traitor, but not before Speaker was punished in my stead. Regardless. I have been named as Listener. I suppose my penance is meant to be rebuilding the family, my family, the family that I hurt so terribly. I will not be useless. I will atone, I will redeem myself. Our Mother deserves better than a useless Listener.


End file.
